Memorable quotes for
Click (2006/I)

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Michael Newman: My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older, just so you guys know that.
Trudy: It couldn't have gotten any smaller.
Ted: [Laughing] It looked like a litttle Tic Tac.
Michael Newman: Yeah, come, here, I'll freshen your breath.

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Donna Newman: [scene after the dog humps toy duck] I have to sew the duck's head back on... and fix his butthole.

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Morty: He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.

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Donna Newman: Will you still love me in the morning?
Michael Newman: Forever and ever, babe

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Michael Newman: [written on cloth] Will you still love me in the morning.
Donna Newman: Forever and ever, babe.

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[after kissing Michael, watching Sundance hump the duck]
Donna Newman: I know it's deviant... but it's kinda turning me on.
[kisses Michael again]

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Michael Newman: Ben... family... family comes first
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [starts to cry and nods] family comes first.
[to wife]
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I love you

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Michael Newman: [reading off letter] Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S. Your Wife's Rockin' Body Still Drives Me Crazy.
Michael Newman: Okay, Morty.
[Throws the universal remote into the bin]

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[repeated line]
Morty: It's all just... cornflakes.

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Michael Newman: I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with yodels... you get acid.

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Michael Newman: Ben... family... always comes first...

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Michael Newman: Oh, my God. It's Wolverine's goofy cousin.

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Michael Newman: [looking in a mirror] You look a little pale there, pal. Let me fix that.
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain.
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to green] Grr... Don't get the Hulk angry. Raaaahrrr!
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to purple] Oh, there's Barney.
[starts to sing]
Michael Newman: I love you, you love me, the jogger has giant boobies.

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Ben at 7-Years-Old: Hey, Dad! Look at Kevin's new Robo-Dog!
Michael Newman: [not listening] That's nice.
Kevin O'Doyle: NICE? This thing's worth more than your car!
Michael Newman: [runs over robo-dog] Not anymore it ain't!

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Michael Newman: You sell any universal remotes here?
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: I dunno. I don't really work here; I'm just waiting for my friends.
Michael Newman: Really?
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: No. I actually don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?

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Michael Newman: I missed the whole Dragon Tales Era?

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Ben at 7-Years-Old: [Sundance begins humping the stuffed duck] Hey, look at Sundance wrestling his duck.
Michael Newman: No, no, that's not wrestling. That's... Something you shouldn't know about for another 10 to 30 years.
[Points at son, Ben]
Michael Newman: Ten for you...
[Points at daughter, Samantha]
Michael Newman: ...Thirty for you.

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Ben at 7-Years-Old: Hey, look at Sundance wrestle his duck.
[Sundance is humping it]
Michael Newman: Oh, no, that's not wrestling. That's... Something you shouldn't know about for another 10 to 30 years. Ten for you.
[Points at Ben]
Michael Newman: Thirty for you.
[Points at Samantha]

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Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [told his father died, Michael rewinds to the last time he saw him to find himself working when Ben arrives] Hi, Dad. Sorry to bother you. Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again? This one is cheaper, but... If you check this out, you'll see it has much better natural flow...
Michael Newman: [without looking up] Cheaper one, like I said. Just let me do my e-mail.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Er...
Michael Newman: [to Ben] He ain't right.
[to himself]
Michael Newman: You are a schmark, look at it!
Ted: [comes in] Surprise!
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hey, Grandpa!
Michael Newman: [seeing how old his father is] Oh, my God...
Ted: [hugs Ben] How did you get so handsome? So, Michael, I have a wonderful idea. Your mother is going to play canasta with her friends tonight, so I thought "What a great opportunity!" You, me, and Ben should go and have a boys' night out.
Michael Newman: I can't.
Ted: What do you mean you can't? You have to weak some time. We can go, we can whistle the pretty ladies.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I'm down for that.
Ted: See? He's down. I don't know what that means but he's down.
Michael Newman: Hey, please.
Ted: Don't give me that finger... I'll make you a deal. If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick.
Michael Newman: No, Dad.
Michael Newman: [to himself] Will you look at the man?
Ted: Don't you want to know...?
Michael Newman: ...how you do the stupid trick? I've always known. Can you let me do my job?
Ted: [voice breaking] You've always known...
Michael Newman: [to himself] You're pathetic.
Ted: Okay... I'm so sorry I butched in. I love you, son.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Don't worry, Grandpa, I'll go with you.
Ted: [Ted starts to leave, crying. Michael rewinds the scene] I love you, son.
[he rewinds it again]
Ted: I love you, son.
[again]
Ted: I love you, son.
Michael Newman: [pauses it] I love you.
[kisses his cheek]
Michael Newman: I'll miss ya... you know that... good-bye.

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Michael Newman: Sorry, i'm late , sir. Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot so...
Prince Habeeboo: Prince Habeeboo, Drive red Lamborghini.
Michael Newman: Red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.

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Donna Newman: Honey, you were so great.
Michael Newman: Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin or something? That was incredible.
Ben at 7-Years-Old: You just got here, Dad. I saw you.
Michael Newman: What do you mean I just got here? Why are you saying that? I saw you. You jumped in there, you swam here.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: Then what stroke was he doing, Dad?
Michael Newman: He was doing the "shut-up".
[Samantha laughs]

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Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy, how much longer are you going to live?
Michael Newman: [to cellphone] One minute.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: One minute?

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Trudy: Hey, Micheal. Micheal, who are you talking to?
Michael Newman: Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma. Take it easy.
Trudy: Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life. You got family here. You're busy. Come on.
Michael Newman: My mother says hello.

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Michael Newman: Yes! Look at me. All showered and dressed and looking sexy. I like that. I...
Samantha Newman - Age 5: Did you smoke crack, Daddy?

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Kevin O'Doyle: [referring to Michael's car] What kind of stereo do you have in that blue piece of shit?
Michael Newman: You know, I never check, Kevin.
Kevin O'Doyle: Yeah, well my father's stereo is a Bose.
Michael Newman: [yell's while in his car] Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad!
Kevin O'Doyle: No! I said... That's not what I said!
Michael Newman: [pulls off his driveway and speeds away yelling] His father stereo blows! Wheee!

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Michael Newman: Twinkie. Don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Good job.

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Narrator of Michael's Past: Once again, Michael left Donna in bed, confused and unsatisfied.
Michael Newman: [offscreen] Shut up, James Earl Jones!
Narrator of Michael's Past: No! You shut up, bigmouth!

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Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?

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[Michael was told his father, Ted, died. In his grave, he asks the remote to flashback to the last time he saw him. Flashback: Michael's very busy working and his son, Ben, arrives]
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hi, Dad. Sorry to bother you. Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again? This one is cheaper, but... If you check this out, you'll see it has much better natural flow...
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael interrupts without having seen his son's project] Cheaper one, like I said. Just, let me do my e-mail.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Er...
Michael Newman: [Real Michael] He ain't right. You are a schmark, look at it!
Ted: [arrives] Surprise!
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hey, grandpa!
Michael Newman: [Real Michael sees how old his dad is] Oh, my God...
Ted: [hugs Ben] How did you get so handsome?
[to Michael]
Ted: So, Michael. I have a wonderful idea. Your mother is going to play canasta with her friends tonight, so I thought: "What a great opportunity". You, me and Ben should go and have a boys night out.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] I can't.
Ted: What do you mean you can't? You have to weak some time. We can go, we can whistle the pretty ladies.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I'm down for that.
Ted: See? He's down. I don't know what that means but he's down.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] Hey, please.
Ted: Don't give me that finger.
[after seeing he's son keeps busy]
Ted: I'll make you a deal. If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick.
Michael Newman: [Real Michael] Will you look at the man?
Ted: I'll tell you the secret.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] No, Dad.
Ted: Don't you wanna know...?
Michael Newman: ...how you do the stupid trick? I've always known. Can you let me do my job?
Ted: [voice braking] You've always known...
Michael Newman: [Real Michael, to Flashback-Michael] You're pathetic.
Ted: Okay... I'm so sorry I butched in. I love you son.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Don't you worry, grandpa. I'll go with you.
[Grandpa starts leaving and cries. Real Michael freezes him, then rewinds the scene to the part Granpa Ted tells Flashback-Michael that he loves him]
Michael Newman: [Real Michael, when he freezes his dad when he's looking at him] I love you dad.
[kisses him in the cheek]
Michael Newman: I'll miss ya... You know that... Good-bye.

---

Michael Newman: Sorry I'm late. Some idiot in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot.
Prince Habeeboo: Prince Habeeboo drive Red Lamborghini.
Michael Newman: Oh, did I say red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.

---

Michael Newman: [arriving at the end of his son's swim meet; he walks to the wrong lane] That was great, son!
Ping Woo: You're not my dad!
Michael Newman: Only as far as you know, kid.
Ping Woo: [begins to sob loudly] Are you really my dad?
[Micheal leaves quickly]

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Michael Newman: [in a flashback of his and Donna's first kiss, just as it occurs] Yeah!
Janine: [offscreen] Donna!
[appears onscreen dressed as a punk, sees them kissing]
Janine: Donna - Oh, my God! I'm so horny now.
Michael Newman: Oh, God. Get me out of here.

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Kirsten: Do you need something, Mr. Newman?
Michael Newman: Who are you?
Kirsten: Kirsten... your assistant?
Michael Newman: Wha- Wha- What happen to Alice?
Kirsten: She moved to Accounting, couldn't handle your hours.
Kirsten: [Whispering] And she prefers to be called Allen now, remember?
Kirsten: [points at Alice, she is now a he]
Michael Newman: No... No! No!

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Morty: Think about it, you've skipped a year. That's a lot of sex. That's like, thirty minutes worth for you.

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Michael Newman: It took that son of a bitch a whole year to promote me?

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Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.
Michael Newman: What?
Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.
Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.
Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.

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Michael Newman: Hey, playing some catch?
Kevin O'Doyle: Actually, we're playing some drop, 'cause Ben hasn't caught one yet.
[throws ball, Ben misses and throws it back, glaring]
Michael Newman: Well, then...
[freezes the game and moves Kevin's glove down and unfreezes]
Kevin O'Doyle: [Ball hits Kevin's face] AAAHH!
Michael Newman: [as Ben laughs] Well, you're no Derek Jeter either, kid.
Kevin O'Doyle: [runs home] MOMMY!

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Michael Newman: Where am I?
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: You're at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. You were sleeping on the bed, you're not supposed to...
[makes goofy grin]
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: but I do sometimes.

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Ammer: Stacy! Did you put shit in my lunch? Argh! Ugh! STACY!

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Michael Newman: [just getting off the phone with Ammer, then whispers] That's it! You're dead!
Firecracker Teen #1: [teens run away] Oh, shit.
Michael Newman: [jumps right over the fence chasing after them] That's right! You better run! I kicked your father's ass in high school! So, now I'm gonna kick yours!
Ping Woo: [crying] I hate that man.

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Michael Newman: Twinkie. You don't need e'm. You don't need e'm. You do need a Yodel, though.

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Samantha at 14 Years Old: I'm going to Derek's.
Michael Newman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, who is Derek?
Samantha at 14 Years Old: Uh, duh, my boyfriend, the hottest boy in school?
Michael Newman: Yeah, he's gonna be really hot when I burn his house down.

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Morty: [Morty and Michael go back to the past to Michael's birth, Michael's parents were arguing if he had a penis or not] Your mom must've had a good eyesight cause I didnt see anything.
Michael Newman: Haha very funny.

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Michael Newman: [trying to convince him to let the project be procrastinated so he can go camping] Three days? Couldn't I have a little more time for this project?
Ammer: Michael, our clients are Japanese. They can't wait for their fish to cook.

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Janine: [after Donna kisses Michael] Oh, my God. I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice too.
Michael Newman: You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice.
Janine: You know way too much about me. I should've never done that Montel Williams show.
Michael Newman: Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of shit.
Janine: I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands... All of them have emotionally abandoned me.
Michael Newman: They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. You're a horndog.

---

Michael Newman: I mean no disrespect, Prince Hubbida Hubbida.
Ammer: Hubba Bubba.
Prince Habeeboo: Habeeboo! Ha-bee-boo! Hubba Bubba is chewing gum. Prince Habeeboo is not chewing gum!

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Morty: [while Michael is about to call him] Yes?
Michael Newman: [jumps back and lands on the table] You scared the...
Donna Newman: Honey, what's going on down there?
Michael Newman: I, uh, it was a mouse! It's dead, I killed it, it just broke the table first.

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Michael Newman: [reading Morty's note] Michael, like I said, good guys need a break. I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love, Morty P.S. Your wife's rockin' body still drives me crazy.

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Michael Newman: You've gotta show me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy!
Ted: A good magician never reveals his secrets... however, if you invite us over for dinner more often...
Michael Newman: You can come over tomorrow night and the next night and the next night and whenever you want!

---

Michael Newman: Thank you, Mom for having me, I know it was a lot of pain.
Trudy: You have no idea.

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Michael Newman: [dying] Family, family... Family comes first.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [crying] Family comes first.
Michael Newman: Honey... honeymoon
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [still crying] Honeymoon
[to his wife; still crying]
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I love you.
Michael Newman: Samantha... I didn't make it to 200 but I love you.
Samantha Newman - Age 27: I love you, Daddy.
Michael Newman: [weakly gives Bill the finger and laughs] No no, no no,
Michael Newman: [Give the Okay sign]

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Michael Newman: Aunt Peggy, is that you? God, you got old.
[Peggy flicks her chin and gives him the arm, to the crowd]
Michael Newman: I'm just playing, she knows that.

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[last lines]
Michael Newman: Who wants to have a pillow fight?

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News Reader in 2017: Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself is now suing himself for molesting himself.

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Michael Newman: Samantha, is that you? When did you get boobs?
Samantha at 14 Years Old: Same time you did, Dad.

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Ted: [doing his magic trick] OK, 1... 2... 3...
[spits out the other half of the quarter]
Ben at 7-Years-Old: Are you shittin' me!

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Ammer: Now, anyone can be a victim of sexual harassment: blue collar, white collar, a woman, a man... even the office slut. No, not that I'm mentioning any names... Stacy.
Stacy, Blonde Ammer Assistant: [Stacy looks shocked for a moment and then laughs, nodding her head in affirmation]

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Prince Habeeboo: It is simply awesome!

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Prince Habeeboo's Assistant: Still itchy?
[Starts scratching Prince Habeeboo facial hair]
Prince Habeeboo: You got it

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Michael Newman: [seeing his parents wildly making love in bed] Change the channel!

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Morty: It's a very advanced piece of technology, like TiVo. You could call it "MeVo".

---

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