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50 First Dates (2004)
Marlin:
Doug, once again, off the juice.
Doug: It'th not juithe. It'th a protein thake.
Lucy: What are you doing?
Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you...
Lucy: You were going for a feelski!
Henry: All right, I'm sorry... But this is like the 23rd time we've made out already and... they're getting blue!
[repeated line]
Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom!
Ten Second Tom: Aren't you a little old to still be having wet dreams?
[memory erases]
Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom!
[at the Callahan Institute]
Security Guard 1: Hey Lucy, good to see you again!
[Lucy walks by quietly]
Security Guard 1: What the hell's her problem?
Security Guard 2: She doesn't remember who you are, brah.
Security Guard 1: Oh yeah, I suck at this job!
Lucy: [to Henry] I hardly know you.
Marlin: Actually sweetie, you're kind of dating him.
[Lucy looks at Henry]
Henry: Sorry I'm not better looking.
Lucy: Did Alicia marry that guy?
Marlin: yea.
Henry: Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaiian contest?
Doug: I didn't know there wath gonna be a urine tethst.
Lucy: [to Henry] Did we have sex?
[Marlin and Doug look at Henry]
Henry: No, we didn't. Just so everyone knows
[Marlin and Doug turn away]
Henry: We want to!
[Marlin and Doug look again]
Henry: Just kidding.
Ula: Damn you Haole! You make my sister work in your hotels!
Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite if you touch their private parts.
[to his children]
Ula: You kids suck; you're good at everything!
Henry: Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?
[to Jocko]
Henry: Remember to use a condom, or in your case, a Hefty bag.
Doug: [gives Henry a box] Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.
Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.
Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?
Henry: Um, I guess.
[Doug grabs the box]
Marlin: Doug!
Lucy: I wonder what's the matter with him.
Old Hawaiian Man: Looks like a stupid asshole to me.
[while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
Ula: You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula: A shark bit me.
Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!
Old Hawaiian Man: Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.
Old Hawaiian Man: [about Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with.
Old Hawaiian Man: That was pathetic.
Henry: Yeah? Why don't you choke on your spam!
Lucy: Can I have one last first kiss?
Alexa: I guess I prefer sausage to taco.
Ula's Kid: Daddy, what's a nympho?
Ula: Uh, nympho is the state bird of Ohio.
Henry: You're the state idiot of Hawaii.
Marlin: Ok, ok, OK! Enough with the titty dance!
Nick: What did Sue say?
Henry: She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.
Dr. Keats: Was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?
Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!
Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaciton. That's the 'roids talking.
Ula: Oh, you crazy bitch!
Lucy: Yeah, keep running!
[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]
Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.
Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?
Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country.
Henry: Were you gonna eat that?
[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car]
Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!
Lucy: Well... my grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...
Henry: Oh... I'm so sorry. I was just joking around.
Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT!
[first lines]
Young Woman: So tell me. How was Hawaii?
Tan Friend: It was unbelievable.
[last lines]
Henry: Grandpa's here.
Lucy: Hi dad.
Update Video: Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.
Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.
Dr. Keats: All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals they have the second largest penis. I have the first.
Henry: That's my joke.
Doug: Well, I may not able to kick your ath but my thithter thure can.
Update Video: April: Snoop quits weed.
Update Video: May: Snoop back on weed.
[repeated line]
Lucy: There's nothing like a first kiss.
Dr. Keats: Tom was in an accident and now he only has a ten-second memory.
Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That's terrible.
Dr. Keats: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds.
Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] I don't want it to end like this.
Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!
[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]
Henry: Calm down, little fella!
Doug: Okay I'm calm!
[pause]
Doug: I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel - I siped on it a fwell.
Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.
Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.
Linda: Linda.
Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.
Nick: Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!
Henry: Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-In-One-Punch!
Ula: My shirt size is medium husky.
Doug: [flexing his pecs in the mirror] Hey Trathie, how you doin'? Yeah, well things changed thince high thcool.
Henry: [after Ula speaks in Hawaiian] Thanks buddy. What does it mean, again?
Ula: Bring me back a t-shirt
Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.
Doug: Thounds kind of fruity.
Henry: Thank you.
Doug: How long'th it going to take?
Henry: Uh... about a year.
Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith.
Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.
Marlin: What are you trying to say?
Henry: Well, when you guys tell her, she's not just finding out about the accident. She's finding out that her life is basically a setup. I think that's what freaks her out the most.
Doug: Oh, you're an exthpert now?
Henry: No. I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides: "Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head."
Doug: You wanna broken head, huh thmart guy?
Marlin: Why? You gonna give it to him?
Doug: No, Daddy, I thought you wath gonna do it.
Henry: Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.
Marlin: [glaring at Doug] Don't go just 'cause my thon is thychotic.
Henry: Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep 'em dry there Doug.
Doug: Very funny.
Ula: [dressed up as Lucy, with a coconut bra on] Aquariums make me super horny!
Henry: I see you're sitting here by yourself, and I was wondering if I could join you for breakfast.
Lucy: Oh, that would be nice, but I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.
Henry: You're making up a boyfriend just to get rid of me?
Lucy: No. I'm not.
Henry: Oh yeah, what's his name then?
Lucy: Ringo.
Henry: Oh yeah? What's his last name, Starr?
Lucy: No. McCartney.
Henry: The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an asshole!
Henry: [starts singing off key to "Wouldn't It Be Nice", then breaks out in tears] WHY would you do this to me?
Henry: [leans against the boat wheel and sobs] Oh my god, is he trying to tell me something?
Ula's Kid: What's wrong with that turtle?
Henry: He has lung problems cause he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right Ula?
Ula: What? I don't smoke weed.
Alexa: I am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy.
Henry: Oooo...
Alexa: Shut up, because here comes one-time only opportunity. What I will do now is go into your office and become naked.
[Jocko the seal gives a disgusted growl]
Alexa: Next move is up to you. I may not be as limber as I once was... but yeah, I make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment.
[Snaps her neck]
Henry: I don't know if you realize, I'm not into guys.
Henry: Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore... would you consider that like a binding promise?
Alexa: Absolutely.
Henry: Yeah?
Alexa: But then again, there are always ways around such things.
Henry: Like?
Alexa: For example. If I promised a woman's father I would not see her... I would simply shut my eyes, while she serviced my manhood.
[Jocko the walrus, slaps his face]
Henry: That's actually a cool way to look at it. And a very gross way.
[Alexa's smile drops]
Lucy: I don't believe it... Bruce Willis is a ghost!
Dr. Keats: Callahan Institute is the leading brain injury clinic in the Pacific Rim. We are funded out of Sandusky Ohio by T.B. Callahan, the automotive components tycoon...
[fade out]
Henry: Could you please not put your foot on my pillow?
Ula: Sorry brah
[removes to reveal a dirty footprint and brushes it off, then sits on the pillow]
Henry: And I don't want your ass on it either!
Ula: [after doing a painful belly flop off a dock] One of you kids go down there and find my nuts!
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Doug: It'th not juithe. It'th a protein thake.
Lucy: What are you doing?
Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you...
Lucy: You were going for a feelski!
Henry: All right, I'm sorry... But this is like the 23rd time we've made out already and... they're getting blue!
[repeated line]
Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom!
Ten Second Tom: Aren't you a little old to still be having wet dreams?
[memory erases]
Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom!
[at the Callahan Institute]
Security Guard 1: Hey Lucy, good to see you again!
[Lucy walks by quietly]
Security Guard 1: What the hell's her problem?
Security Guard 2: She doesn't remember who you are, brah.
Security Guard 1: Oh yeah, I suck at this job!
Lucy: [to Henry] I hardly know you.
Marlin: Actually sweetie, you're kind of dating him.
[Lucy looks at Henry]
Henry: Sorry I'm not better looking.
Lucy: Did Alicia marry that guy?
Marlin: yea.
Henry: Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaiian contest?
Doug: I didn't know there wath gonna be a urine tethst.
Lucy: [to Henry] Did we have sex?
[Marlin and Doug look at Henry]
Henry: No, we didn't. Just so everyone knows
[Marlin and Doug turn away]
Henry: We want to!
[Marlin and Doug look again]
Henry: Just kidding.
Ula: Damn you Haole! You make my sister work in your hotels!
Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite if you touch their private parts.
[to his children]
Ula: You kids suck; you're good at everything!
Henry: Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?
[to Jocko]
Henry: Remember to use a condom, or in your case, a Hefty bag.
Doug: [gives Henry a box] Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.
Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.
Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?
Henry: Um, I guess.
[Doug grabs the box]
Marlin: Doug!
Lucy: I wonder what's the matter with him.
Old Hawaiian Man: Looks like a stupid asshole to me.
[while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
Ula: You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula: A shark bit me.
Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!
Old Hawaiian Man: Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.
Old Hawaiian Man: [about Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with.
Old Hawaiian Man: That was pathetic.
Henry: Yeah? Why don't you choke on your spam!
Lucy: Can I have one last first kiss?
Alexa: I guess I prefer sausage to taco.
Ula's Kid: Daddy, what's a nympho?
Ula: Uh, nympho is the state bird of Ohio.
Henry: You're the state idiot of Hawaii.
Marlin: Ok, ok, OK! Enough with the titty dance!
Nick: What did Sue say?
Henry: She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.
Dr. Keats: Was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?
Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!
Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaciton. That's the 'roids talking.
Ula: Oh, you crazy bitch!
Lucy: Yeah, keep running!
[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]
Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.
Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?
Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country.
Henry: Were you gonna eat that?
[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car]
Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!
Lucy: Well... my grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...
Henry: Oh... I'm so sorry. I was just joking around.
Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT!
[first lines]
Young Woman: So tell me. How was Hawaii?
Tan Friend: It was unbelievable.
[last lines]
Henry: Grandpa's here.
Lucy: Hi dad.
Update Video: Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.
Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.
Dr. Keats: All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals they have the second largest penis. I have the first.
Henry: That's my joke.
Doug: Well, I may not able to kick your ath but my thithter thure can.
Update Video: April: Snoop quits weed.
Update Video: May: Snoop back on weed.
[repeated line]
Lucy: There's nothing like a first kiss.
Dr. Keats: Tom was in an accident and now he only has a ten-second memory.
Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That's terrible.
Dr. Keats: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds.
Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] I don't want it to end like this.
Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!
[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]
Henry: Calm down, little fella!
Doug: Okay I'm calm!
[pause]
Doug: I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel - I siped on it a fwell.
Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.
Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.
Linda: Linda.
Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.
Nick: Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!
Henry: Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-In-One-Punch!
Ula: My shirt size is medium husky.
Doug: [flexing his pecs in the mirror] Hey Trathie, how you doin'? Yeah, well things changed thince high thcool.
Henry: [after Ula speaks in Hawaiian] Thanks buddy. What does it mean, again?
Ula: Bring me back a t-shirt
Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.
Doug: Thounds kind of fruity.
Henry: Thank you.
Doug: How long'th it going to take?
Henry: Uh... about a year.
Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith.
Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.
Marlin: What are you trying to say?
Henry: Well, when you guys tell her, she's not just finding out about the accident. She's finding out that her life is basically a setup. I think that's what freaks her out the most.
Doug: Oh, you're an exthpert now?
Henry: No. I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides: "Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head."
Doug: You wanna broken head, huh thmart guy?
Marlin: Why? You gonna give it to him?
Doug: No, Daddy, I thought you wath gonna do it.
Henry: Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.
Marlin: [glaring at Doug] Don't go just 'cause my thon is thychotic.
Henry: Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep 'em dry there Doug.
Doug: Very funny.
Ula: [dressed up as Lucy, with a coconut bra on] Aquariums make me super horny!
Henry: I see you're sitting here by yourself, and I was wondering if I could join you for breakfast.
Lucy: Oh, that would be nice, but I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.
Henry: You're making up a boyfriend just to get rid of me?
Lucy: No. I'm not.
Henry: Oh yeah, what's his name then?
Lucy: Ringo.
Henry: Oh yeah? What's his last name, Starr?
Lucy: No. McCartney.
Henry: The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an asshole!
Henry: [starts singing off key to "Wouldn't It Be Nice", then breaks out in tears] WHY would you do this to me?
Henry: [leans against the boat wheel and sobs] Oh my god, is he trying to tell me something?
Ula's Kid: What's wrong with that turtle?
Henry: He has lung problems cause he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right Ula?
Ula: What? I don't smoke weed.
Alexa: I am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy.
Henry: Oooo...
Alexa: Shut up, because here comes one-time only opportunity. What I will do now is go into your office and become naked.
[Jocko the seal gives a disgusted growl]
Alexa: Next move is up to you. I may not be as limber as I once was... but yeah, I make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment.
[Snaps her neck]
Henry: I don't know if you realize, I'm not into guys.
Henry: Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore... would you consider that like a binding promise?
Alexa: Absolutely.
Henry: Yeah?
Alexa: But then again, there are always ways around such things.
Henry: Like?
Alexa: For example. If I promised a woman's father I would not see her... I would simply shut my eyes, while she serviced my manhood.
[Jocko the walrus, slaps his face]
Henry: That's actually a cool way to look at it. And a very gross way.
[Alexa's smile drops]
Lucy: I don't believe it... Bruce Willis is a ghost!
Dr. Keats: Callahan Institute is the leading brain injury clinic in the Pacific Rim. We are funded out of Sandusky Ohio by T.B. Callahan, the automotive components tycoon...
[fade out]
Henry: Could you please not put your foot on my pillow?
Ula: Sorry brah
[removes to reveal a dirty footprint and brushes it off, then sits on the pillow]
Henry: And I don't want your ass on it either!
Ula: [after doing a painful belly flop off a dock] One of you kids go down there and find my nuts!
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